Lessons from a Road Rage Incident: Part One
“That man cut me off in traffic!” yelled Rick, “He saw that I was turning, and he turned right in front of me – and from the wrong lane!” Seven hours earlier, the driver of a black Suburban had made a right turn from the wrong turning lane, the left one, and cut off Rick in the process. Then, the other driver had the audacity to yell at Rick, telling him that HE was in the wrong.
“When I pulled up to the stop sign, I was in the right turning lane and he was in the left turning lane,” Rick explained “but he had on his right turn signal.” As traffic cleared, and as Rick predicted, when he began to turn right out of his neighborhood and onto a four-lane highway, the other driver, who we will refer to as “Suburban Guy” also turned right. This nearly caused a collision right then and there. If Rick had not been paying attention, he would have been hit. Rick allowed Suburban Guy to proceed ahead of him, but not without incident.
What ensued next is where it gets tricky. Two grown men are now driving side by side down the road jeering at each other, each in an emotional game of right-fighting as they operate their own motor vehicles. In one instant, the normally calm, cool and collected Rick became so overcome with emotion that he put not only his, but also others’, lives in danger.
Hours later, he was still discussing how wrong Suburban Guy was, “You can’t turn right from that lane. Once you realize you have made a mistake and are in the wrong turning lane, you wait until the other driver has turned, check to ensure traffic is clear, and then turn right.” He then turns the situation into a personal attack on Suburban Guy by saying things like, “Who does he think he is?” and “He thinks just because he lives in ‘this’ kind of neighborhood, he owns the roads” in his passionate rant retelling the story of the day’s encounter.
Whose life was altered as a result of this incident? Rick’s? Suburban Guy’s? Both of their lives?
Because of Rick’s defensive driving, no accident occurred and no one was physically injured. However, what I can tell you is, six weeks later, Rick was still affected and still discussing that chance encounter. He was still passionately telling of how he was wronged at the hands of the driver in a black SUV.
Rick was emotionally hijacked in the moment, and weeks later, he still chose to hand over his happiness to a complete stranger. That stranger owned him, emotionally.
What is an Emotional Hijack?
In 1966, Daniel Goleman coined the term “amygdala hijack” in his book entitled Emotional Intelligence: Why it Matters More than IQ. Today, the amygdala hijack is commonly referred to as “going limbic” but officially referred to as an “emotional hijack.” It describes the emotional response that happens in our limbic system, when the hippocampus communicates to the amygdala that a threat is imminent.
Emotional hijacks are the “fight or flight” responses that occur, unconsciously, in our brains in a fraction of a second. It is the overwhelming emotion that results in actions that, under normal circumstances, would not occur. It’s this survival mechanism that causes us to react to stimulus before our rational minds have time to process the situation.
When a heckler yells out during a political speech, “Liar!”, when passengers begin fighting on an airplane, when an individual commits an act of violence at a peaceful protest, when a police officer mistakes a cell phone for a gun and shoots and when a father stabs his son over a video game disagreement, emotional hijacking has occurred. All of those events have actually happened and people are very quick to make judgments, telling you how “they” would have respond, if it had been them in any of those situations. The problem is that they are processing the events from a state of being (somewhat) rational, and their amygdala is not experiencing that event in the nanosecond of time when one becomes emotionally hijacked.
Emotional Hijacking in Everyday Life
You may be thinking, I would never do any of those things, so how does this translate to my life? I’m so glad you asked.
When a coworker gets credit for your work and you are overcome with emotion resulting in either “telling them off” in the office, feeling the need to tell your side of the story to anyone you encounter or even quitting your job, you’ve been emotionally hijacked. When you see your husband having lunch with another woman, when your child breaks your grandmother’s vase, when a fellow shopper takes the last 65” TV on Black Friday, or when someone cuts you off in traffic, if you are not managing your own emotions, you risk being emotionally hijacked.
Emotional hijacks basically equate to freaking out or overreacting to a life event and are a result of past experiences and emotions that have negatively affected us, leaving an imprint on our brains and becoming triggers for future events. They may also be a result of over-stimulus or being overly stressed out. The police officer who sees a cell phone and thinks it is a gun has been in numerous situations where an actual gun was pulled, and his limbic system takes over. If you have ever lost your cool and snapped at a friend or loved one, you’ve been emotionally hijacked.
As I was explaining this phenomenon to my friend Rick, several weeks later, we went on to discuss how, by driving down the road yelling at the other driver, he himself experienced an emotional hijack. What could he have done differently to remain calm and keep the joy he wants for himself?
Preventing Emotional Hijacks
Emotional hijacks are preventable. Just like any other negative behavior, steps can be taken to regain or maintain control of your emotions. The first step is always an awareness of the phenomenon, but if you have read this far, you’ve already taken step one. Congratulations!
Claim It/Name It/Tame It
As the old saying goes, you have to name it to claim it, but when dealing with emotional hijacks, consider a three step approach – claim it, name it, tame it.
After becoming aware of the fact that you are susceptible to being emotionally hijacked, and I dare to say have been emotionally hijacked at some point in your life, if you want to prevent future embarrassing outbursts, you must admit to the fact that you have emotional triggers. Claim the emotion as it occurs and acknowledge that you created it – no one else created it for you – you and your brain created it. Although someone or something may trigger you, ultimately you own the emotion. Your brain through your past experiences has shaped your emotional reactions.
After acknowledging that your emotions are, indeed, your emotions, you must name the emotions you feel. The most emotionally intelligent individuals are the ones who use a wide vocabulary to describe their feelings. This goes beyond sad and mad to rejected, frustrated and aggravated. What exactly are you feeling when your limbic system is triggered? Name it.
As soon as we name the emotion we are feeling, our brain immediately begins to calm down. In essence, by acknowledging your own feelings, your brain feels heard. Enough space is created to allow your brain time to reevaluate the situation, consider alternative actions and proceed rationally. The great news is that you don’t have to practice taming your emotions in a real-life situation – you can recount past experiences, reflect on how you could have reacted instead and rewire your own brain to respond appropriately to triggers moving forward.
Grace and Space
It may sound silly, but you can even speak to your brain. Let it know you appreciate it for looking out for you, but you would like it to respond to triggers with less emotion, moving forward. Then, when triggers do occur, give yourself grace and space.
Understand that you are human. Every one of us has an amygdala, and yours is working to protect you.
Count to three, breathe deeply or take a break. Even giving your brain a moment to process before acting will often result in a more rational response.
If you begin practicing these techniques, you will become even more aware of your emotions, and you will notice that this awareness occurs earlier and earlier in stressful situations.
Lessons from a Road Rage Incident: Part Two
Besides being emotionally hijacked, what else happened as a result of Rick’s road rage incident? Early on, I mentioned Rick was still ranting about Suburban Guy hours, even weeks later. His day was completely ruined because some jakeleg chose not to follow the common courtesies of driving.
Have you ever been in a restaurant and the server acted as if you were inconveniencing her? How did you respond? Did you go tell all of your friends about the horrible service you received that day?
Has someone ever offended you in casual conversation? Were you drawn into the media’s sensationalism of riots, protests, officer-involved shootings, unfair court judgments or restroom usage rules?
Every day, we see people who are not only emotionally hijacked, but who also freely give their joy, peace, happiness or energy away to others. They become emotionally charged and stay in a state of anger, frustration or bitterness over things that may not have even happened to them.
As I was explaining this piece of the puzzle to my friend Rick, I used another road rage-type example to him. “Imagine you are driving down the interstate and this Ford F-150 cuts you off. I mean, it almost hits you. You are just driving along, minding your own business and out of nowhere comes this truck, barely missing you, moving into your lane.” As many miles as I drive, each year, this happens to me, almost daily.
“So what do you do?” I ask my friend, “Do you carry that anger with you all day, telling everyone you encounter at work, calling your best friend to tell him, mentioning it to me over coffee and then filling your neighbor in on the details when you get home, just for good measure?”
If you carry that negative emotion with you all day, who is truly suffering? In this example, I went on to paint of picture of Suburban Guy, hours later, “enjoying an ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins with his three-year-old daughter, completely oblivious to the fact that he entirely altered the course of your day. Meanwhile, you can’t seem to let go of the fact that you were cut off in traffic by ‘some guy driving an SUV’ and your entire day is ruined.”
Again, who is suffering here? Is it the Suburban driving buffoon? Or is it you?
You have chosen to allow something, that very well could have been a simple mistake – but who really cares if it was or wasn’t – to completely ruin an otherwise peaceful, happy day. You willingly handed him your power, and now he is in complete control of your emotions.
Just as we are in complete control of our own emotions, meaning we get to choose how we feel, we are also in complete control of how we respond to situations, meaning we get to choose how we react. Do we get mad and stay mad, or do we take a deep breath, call the guy an idiot under our breath, and move on with living the peaceful life we want?
The same is true of what we watch on television, what we read on social media and what we listen to on the radio.
We have a choice.
For the most part, we get to choose what we watch, read and listen to, but we have absolute control over how we chose to respond. If you want a more peaceful world, all you have to do is turn off the television, log off of social media and change the radio station. Better yet, participate in what Zig Ziglar calls Automobile University, but that’s an entirely different topic.
So, who is going to control your emotions? You or some stranger you encounter during the day? You or that family member who gets under your skin? You or the obnoxious coworker who chews her food too loudly in the next cubicle? Who is going to control your emotions, today?
You get to choose your emotions, whether positive or negative, you have a choice. You get to determine whether, hours later, you are retelling the story of the Suburban Guy who cut you off in traffic or whether you are enjoying a bite of ice cream, perhaps creating a special memory, with someone you love. Choose wisely, my friend.
One of the things I ever did for myself was make the decision to attend a training program that teaches Emotional Intelligence tools.
To learn more about the training I attended, visit PathwaysCoreTraining.org